tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
