Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
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I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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