this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
