I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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