we're chasing vodka with high fives
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
