if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
