My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
