P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
