my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
