You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize