I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
