some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
