Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
