mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
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I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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