He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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