we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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