Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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