I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
