halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
