I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
