Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
