you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
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Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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