I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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