This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
