i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
