Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
