he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
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I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
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I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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