Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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