Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
So. Much. Porn.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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