I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
