new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i barfeds in our rink
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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