Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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