1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
