Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.