I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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