I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
