I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We are all done wearing pants today
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
