her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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