So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
