New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
