i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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