shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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