I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
