i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize