Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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