I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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