if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
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