so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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