Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
At least life still wants to fuck me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
