final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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