so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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