don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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