he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
