My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
